it's five o'clock . . . in the city

We're listening to "Silver Bells."

Captain America (copying the way the singer is slurring his words): "Silver bells . . . silver bells . . . this guy sounds drunk."
Me: "That should give you a clue to who is singing. If he sounds like he's drunk without really being drunk, who is it?"
Captain America: "Dean Martin."
Me: "Bing (by which I mean 'correct')!"

am I the only good parent around here?

I just wish people would stop giving their kids so many sweets.
Don't they even care?

another charming vignette from our classy life

John and I were still asleep in bed this morning, and Superman came into our room.

Superman: "Um, Dad? I need to tell you something."
John: "You peed the bed."
Superman: "No, it's not about me, but it is about Groceries. He pooped in the bathroom sink."
John: "Um . . . do you know it was him?"
Superman: "Yeah, he was in the bathroom when I came in. He was in the sink, and when he was done I went over and saw a big plop of poop. But you don't have to clean it up. I already did."
Me: "What did you do?"
Superman: "I washed it down the sink."
John: "Was it hard or soft?"
Superman: "What?"
Me: "Was the poop liquid poop or in pieces?"
Superman: "It was liquid. It was slick with chunks in it, and the stuff that wouldn't wash down the sink I got a napkin and picked it up."
John: "Where did you put it? Did you flush it down the toilet?"
Superman: "No, I put it in the garbage."
John: "Okay. Next time let's flush it down the toilet, because we don't want our sink to smell like poop."
Superman: "Well, it already does."
John: "Thanks for cleaning it up, though. Good job, bud."
Superman: "And that's service, right?"

I think Groceries must have gotten into the Indian food I gave to the trash cats.

mummy dear, mummy dear

Captain America: "Mom, what is this song?"
Me: "It's 'Breakfast in America' by Supertramp."
Captain America: "Then why is he saying not to look at his girlfriend? That's not even about breakfast."

On Saturday we had Fakesgiving with my dad's family. It was terrific, and it continues to mystify me why people will choose white meat over dark. My aunt Barbara brought a jello salad that I guess Superman fell deeply in love with, because he took a whole tub of it home--it's one of those 2-quart containers. He's weird about jello. He wrote me a note the other day about how much he loves it. Here is a picture: Don't hassle me about the all caps! We're working on it. It says, "Dear Mom. I love your jello." But evidently he loves Barbara's jello more.

we'll get together then, dad, you know we'll have a good time then

Last Saturday Captain America had a basketball tournament. There was a total pageant dad there who was watching the teams warm up, and when his son missed a shot he just started screaming at him, "What's wrong with you? Do it again! Again! Again!" He sat and yelled at the kid and made him take that shot over and over until he didn't miss anymore. I think it's neat that kid is going to play in the NBA now. Thank goodness his dad loved him enough to act like a giant idiot!

As John and I watched this ridiculous display we realized that we are not being good enough parents. We want our kids to excel in the sciences, though, so we took them straight home and shrieked at them, "What's wrong with you? Invent something! Again! Invent again!" They were whining about how it was midnight and they were tired and hungry, but we kept at it until they had each built a self-replenishing clean energy source.

I see great things in store for our family.

the learning continues apace, if anybody was wondering

Today Superman and I were doing his school worksheet. Here's how it went down:

Me: "Here are some riddles. The answers all rhyme with fun. First riddle: I am in the sky."
Superman: "I don't know."
Me: "What's something that's in the sky that rhymes with fun?"
Superman: "Uh . . ."
Me: "Name some things in the sky."
Superman: "Clouds. Fog. Birds. Herds! Herds of birds!"
Me: "What kind of a day is it today?"
Superman: "Sunny . . . sun!"

Me: "Second riddle: I am what you put a hamburger in."
Superman: "Easy! Box!"
Me: "Uh, no. What do you put a hamburger on?"
Superman: "Grill!"
Me: "No, after you cook it. What do you put a hamburger on when you're ready to eat it?"
Superman: "Plate!"
Me: "What do you put a hamburger on that rhymes with fun?"
Superman: "I don't know."
Me: "BUN!"
Superman: (giggling) "Oh, yeah!"

Thankfully he got the correct answer to "I mean 'to move very quickly'" right away, or I would have committed him.

I've called John a bunch of times since school started, wringing my hands about Superman. How could a child of ours be so stupid? But it's always like this when they first start out, I just keep forgetting. Thankfully we have Parent Teacher Conferences so I can find out that he's wicked smaht just like his brothers.

such a very, very lot of pictures

This is almost all the pictures we took on our vacation. I took out the ones that made me look fat or showed my farmer tan. We also have copious amounts of video for future opportunities for shaming our children.

I told you she peed the plane.

Superman appears to be plotzing about the beach.

I don't know why they throw mud at each other, but I bet they'll make great politicians.

This is the claw of the crab The Hulk found.

At Gatorland we were impaled on the teeth of a giant reptile. It was sad.

Getting ready to watch people be stupid.

His name is Feros.

This bird had the hots for John. I have video of it grooming him. Get a room, you two!

Pinga sat on a fake snake.

Superman sat on an alligator.

So did Captain America.

And The Hulk.

Then they all got cooked and eaten.

They were not afraid of this dinosaur at Islands of Adventure. Clearly they have seen too many movies.

After our splashy river adventure. I think we were the only Americans there that day.

Hogsmeade! Eee! Also, do you see my rad shirt advertising the coming Apocalypse?

Elaine came with us, which was awesome. She's a great vacation companion, if anybody was wondering.

I took a picture of this lady's armpit while trying to see John and Elaine and the boys coming off Ripsaw Falls.

That lady doesn't look anything like Halle Berry. Sorry, Richard. Also, I bet Cyclops stuffs.

John took the boys on the Teacups, 'scuse me, I mean the Storm Force Accelatron.

At Typhoon Lagoon we played in the water and relaxed in the sun and got very worn out.

The beach was right behind our hotel.

We saw Gollum on the beach.

While we were eating dinner on Saturday night a fishing boat brought some fish to our restaurant.

And some huge rock lobsters.

There were cruise ships going past all the time. Our kids want to go on one, so I guess we will.

I ate oysters, and Captain America helped.

These scallops were so freaking amazing. I soaked up the juice with the bread and drank it when I ran out of bread.

Shrimps.

The kids were underwhelmed, as we knew they would be, so we didn't even order them anything besides garlic bread. John told them they could choose anywhere they wanted for dinner, and they chose McDonalds with a play land. Ugh. Better them than me.

On the way to the airport.

For any of our Voice Male compatriots, the place where we stayed was great. Not so nice that you feel like you're going to ruin it (no down comforters, sad), and it's right on the beach, where the water is warm and perfect, the sand is soft, and the waves are not too huge. Plus they have a ton of activities for the kids to do every day. So if you want to reserve a spot at The Resort on Cocoa Beach the next time it's your turn for the time share, I recommend it. I have taken some pictures for you to preview it.

Lobby.

Pool.

Exterior, day.

Headed for our plane.

It was a grand time had by all.