stop looking out my window

Grant had a wonderful year in Madrigals, and even though I thought that I would never stop wanting to set things on fire when he didn't make the basketball team, it turned out to be a blessing OF COURSE because he was able to spend time and bond with the Madrigals in a way that he wouldn't have gotten if he'd been split between the two responsibilities.  And the long-term benefits of hanging out with the choir nerds vs. the basketball team are pretty evident.  It's turned out that he has a pretty darn good voice, and he's started taking lessons to see if he can get a vocal scholarship somewhere, because someone else paying for college is a good thing.  He made the soccer team and did really well, so that was a little balm for his wounded soul.  We went on choir tour to New York and I loved getting to know his friends better and hearing them sing so beautifully in such amazing places.  He turned sixteen and went on a couple of dates.  He was too busy with soccer and choir and school to do drivers ed, but he did get a 4.0, even with his load from AP Biology, so good job on him.  He got surgery on his ankle because he had an extra bone that the tendon had partially attached to, so every time he kicked the soccer ball with his left foot it felt like he was fracturing his bones.  He's out of his cast now and in a boot, and can start light weight-bearing on Friday.  He's finally taken Drivers Ed, and took his test yesterday, which he FAILED because he ran the stop sign leaving the school parking lot, womp womp. 

Emmett suffered through his first year of middle school and got a 4.0 as well.  He played a ton of soccer and was kicked by an opposing player in his last game and his hip has been hurting ever since, which is super cool.  He played Mozart's Rondo Alla Turca for the spring piano recital, which is a real, no-fooling song and I was way impressed.  He practiced the heck out of it.  He wants to quit piano and start voice lessons, but I've told him not until he can play everything in the hymn book and Children's Songbook.  I really regret letting Grant drop piano for trumpet, because now he doesn't play either, and I don't want Emmett in the same boat.  He played some cool percussion parts in the spring band concert, but he's bailing on band to do choir next year, which I advised because he's wanting to do choir in high school, and it will be good for him to get a little experience beforehand.  He's taking golf lessons, which was a good thing for getting his wiggles out when his hip was still bugging him too much to run.  He sang with us in the choir for stake conference today, which is a huge step for him.  He (and everyone else in our family, to be honest) hates singing in our ward choir because it's so pathetic and horrible, so it was good for him to be around some decent voices for a change.

Ike won the pentathlon, so he's leaving elementary school on a high note.  He did really well in school, even though he had a difficult time with his teacher this year, but much of life is spent being with people who don't like us, so he's just getting an early start.  His classmates all voted for him to be an Eagle Ambassador at the intermediate school, probably riding the emotional high of watching him destroy everyone at the pentathlon and conflating athletic ability with administrative ability.  He is taking golf lessons along with Emmett and seems to enjoy it, though soccer is also his first love.  He's still thinking he's going to be an MLS player when he grows up, so we're not making the progress toward realistic expectations that one might hope for.  He has a lump on his chest where his ribs stick out further on one side than the other, so he has to do some exercises our witch doctor recommended.  Maybe it's because he has an oversized heart, and that's why he is so passionate about everything.  He's still taking piano and is starting percussion when he goes to school in the fall. 

Willa is taking piano and progressing rapidly, but not as rapidly as she would if she practiced more, much like her siblings and parents, sad trombone noise again.  She loved her teacher this year, and has been accepted into the LEAP program for next year, and hopefully she'll like it.  She's a good girl and a good student, but when she learns a new concept she gets upset and cries, so it will be good for her to raise the bar of difficulty a titch.  She did volleyball camp for the first week of summer, then basketball camp the second week, and had a great time.  She is getting a nice strong voice and can usually sing her part alone, even with someone singing a different part right next to her.  Now if we could just move to a place where there are no neighbor kids then everything would be perfect. 

their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made out of springs

Currently in our lives:

John interviewed for a different job at work, but he doesn't think he'll get it, which is a shame.  Now he won't even have the opportunity to tell them never mind, he doesn't actually want the job after all, which is what he always does.  He's a crazy cat.  He is a gospel doctrine teacher in our ward and is very good at it. 

I have started learning a new skill that I suck super bad at, but I am getting less sucky as time passes.  Churchwise I am a primary teacher now, and I like it, even though I don't usually like children very much and the class is huge and there are a couple of quite naughty children in there.  But I do enjoy my class, and we are having a good time together.  The first week we worked out what the new treat situation would be, and they are taking to it like ducks to water.  I bring stuff like apples and clementines and cheese, and even though there were a couple of kids who said they didn't like this or that thing I'd brought, by the end of class everybody was munching happily.  They are fun and full of energy.

Grant is done with his school basketball season.  They lost every game but the last one, so it was nice to end on a high note of sorts.  It was a hard season with a lot of hurt feelings and frustration for pretty much every kid on the team, and we're happy it's over.  He started lacrosse two days ago and spent an unholy amount of money on gear last night.  He starts practicing for his spring basketball league on Thursday.  It's going to be interesting to see if he is able to pull off playing two sports at once.  He auditioned for honor band on the baritone, and they told him he was a sight-reading fiend.  Imagine how good he'd be if he practiced!  He got a 4.0 on his last report card and has been admitted into the Junior Honor Society. 

Emmett is doing a robotics class once a week after school and is digging it.  A couple of weeks ago the teacher told him and his partner that their robot was a poor design, and then it proceeded to destroy the other robots and not tip over or collapse or fall victim to any of the teacher's dire predictions.  So nyah, nyah to the teacher.  Emmett wishes desperately that he could be playing indoor soccer right now, but his team only does outdoor, so he has to wait.  He also wants to take up lacrosse.  We talked to him about practicing his piano for at least 30 minutes a day, which he agreed to do, and then he practiced about five minutes and called it a day.  He loves school and his teachers and has excellent grades. 

Ike is playing basketball and likes it more than he thought he would.  He's also playing indoor soccer and loves it.  He plays goalie for half the game, and he is not too shabby.  He got a goalie shirt and knee pads because in the first game he tore his knees and arms up on the gross artificial turf.  He also wants to start playing lacrosse.  He is doing great in school and his teacher said a lot of very nice things about him.

Willa is taking an art class once a week and learning a lot.  She is doing great in school too, and loves her teacher.  She has had a rough go of it with math for a little while, but she's pulling through and still says she loves math, which I think is great, even though it seems like a lie sometimes.  She also wants to play lacrosse, but there is not currently a girls' lacrosse program around here.

So either Grant is a huge influence on his siblings, or they all just like the idea of buying a bunch of new sports equipment.  Probably both. 

take your protein pills and put your helmet on

We had a lovely Christmas holiday season, although we didn't do anything really nice for anyone.  We cleaned the church and went to the nursing home a few times, but that isn't really valiant or noble or anything. We went up to the church and roller skated and played basketball a few times.

We stayed in the Little America because Grant had a basketball tournament in Salt Lake, and that was fun. 

We had sushi and ramen for our New Year's Eve dinner, and though there were scoffers, it was fine.  They just didn't know that ramen could be healthy and delicious.  We played a mafia-type game called Werewolves of Millers Hollow and it seemed hard for some people to not immediately let everyone know what they were, but the victories and losses were spread between the werewolves and villagers pretty evenly, so that's okay. 

Now everyone is back into their school routine.  Grant has early morning practice every day but game days, which means he only misses the bus about once a week now.  Emmett just signed up for the robotics club, and has enjoyed tremendous success with his school dodgeball team.  Ike is pretty amped for the indoor soccer season to start and is watching the doorstep with bated breath, waiting for his new fancypants shin guards to arrive.  Willa is experiencing a low level of satisfaction with her life right now, because she would like to not ever do homework.

I was released as YW president on Sunday, which was sad but okay.  I hope I gave the girls what they needed. 

it'll leave you breathless, or with a nasty scar

Emmett came home from school on Monday just fit to be tied about all the homework he had--hours and hours it was going to take him, all day and all night it was going to take him, and could he please stay home from piano?  No, says I.  So about 7:00 that night he was done, even with the hour-plus errand of piano lessons.  I think he's just so tense about making sure everything gets done that it seems much more overwhelming than it is. 

Grant has his first real basketball game today.  Should be a party.  I'm just glad I had time to cut everybody's hair on Monday, because I didn't want him to look like a caveman for his first game. 

Two different people have commented lately on how well-behaved my kids are, which those of you who have been traveling down this road with us will agree is a gratifying surprise.  I think people have usually liked our kids pretty well, but they could have been accurately described as "challenging."  To be honest, Willa is still pretty naughty--there is a lot of whining and pouting--and Ike is very sweet but also a little bit rascally, so they're hitching on Grant and Emmett's coattails.  But I am certain that great things are in store for them as well. 

Last night was our ward Christmas party, and the Young Women were in charge of decorations, which is SO UNCOOL of them to do to us.  I don't do cutesy decorating things, nor do I wish to, but thankfully I have wonderful counselors and advisers and a good handful of girls even showed up to help, and it turned out really nice.  I hate to say this, but the meat was substandard.  The same guy did it who always does, and he makes the best brisket and ribs, but some genius, I don't know if it was him or not, had the idea to do prime rib last night.  Big mistake.  Prime rib is not something you do for a crowd of 150+ people.  Also the Young Men were in charge of dessert, and that never materialized, so grr to them.  But the funeral potatoes--bereavement potatoes, as a great old lady in our ward calls them--were top-notch.  And at the end of the day, I didn't have to figure out what to cook for dinner, so it's a win, even without dessert. 

so if you've gotta go, you've gotta go through me

Last night we had our Evening of Excellence.  If I didn't have to do Evening of Excellence and New Beginnings my job would be so much easier.  But it was low-key and short, so not too bad I guess.  And it's good for the girls to take a minute and reflect on what they've been doing over the past year to improve themselves mentally, spiritually and physically.  Our theme was "Cultivating Personal Excellence," and each of the girls got up and took a couple of minutes telling us about something they're working on that is helping them cultivate personal excellence.  One of the Mia Maids ran the Wasatch Back, and one of my Laurels saved up enough money to go on a humanitarian aid trip to Peru.  I've got some pretty cool girls, I think.  We had dirt cakes for refreshments.  I am a huge fan of dirt cake.  It's just poor-man's trifle, really, but pudding is a glorious thing and I love it. 

Grant made the basketball team, yay!  So we will need to reschedule his ear surgery until after the season so he doesn't have to miss out on basketball or honor band.  Evidently they don't want you jumping around or blowing in a trumpet when you've got a patch on your eardrum.  FINE. 

Emmett has to come to choir now that he's 12, and he usually hates it, but last week he was actually excited about how he was starting to learn the parts, and he loves one of our Christmas songs.  There's hope for him yet!  All our kids are going to have to learn to sing, so they may as well get used to the idea. 

Ike keeps coming home and saying he has no homework, which makes me suspicious, but also his teacher is kind of an interesting lady we'll say, and so it is possible. 

Willa plays the knuckles song 24-7 and it's making me insane. 

John's knee has still not gotten better. 

fin

the retrograde plight of a young man asking for a title transfer

Oof, so much time since last I updated.

In June we went to Mexico where we ate paletas and fish tacos like bosses, then we went to the Utah Summer Games where Grant's soccer team took the silver medal in their division, then I went to girls' camp where I got out of crafts by being in the kitchen, then John got knee surgery, then we went to a family reunion near Evanston where we kayaked and rode horses, then we went to another family reunion where we learned how to applaud growth, and that took us into July.

In July we watched fireworks and ate many meats, then Grant and Emmett and John went to scout camp where they got very very dirty, then Grant went to Boston and New York for his cousin trip with Elain where he saw the sights of Boston and went to Wicked and the sacred grove and has returned to us a very sophisticated young man (not really), then we went to another family reunion where we patted ourselves on the back about our kids, who are second cousins, playing so well with each other.  Later this week I'm flying to Orlando to meet John at his work conference and I am going to be the weird lady tooling around Harry Potter land by herself.

In August we are going to Port Townsend, and I think we might try to pop over to Canada for a minute, because why not?  Then it will be the county fair, then school starts, then Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and so on.

well there's no fire in the fireplace, there's no carpet on the floor

Ugh, kids learning to play an instrument are THE WORST.  Maybe I was just as bad when I started piano, but I don't remember resisting counting the music the way my kids all have.  They just plow doggedly ahead, playing it incorrectly, refusing any attempts at correction, and insisting that they are playing it the same way I am.  Spoiler:  THEY'RE NOT.  My experiences with Ike have set back my course for the celestial kingdom by a good five years.  There have been some regrettable words and actions concerning the counting.  Any piano folks out there:  how do you get them to count?  Without murdering them in the process?

Grant is playing early morning basketball at the high school gym three times a week (when he gets up), is doing one last basketball league before summer, and has started spring soccer.  He had to write three poems for his Language Arts class and he was a giant baby about it because he says he hates poetry.  Pfft, who doesn't?  That's rude--some poetry is very nice.  But just like owning a camera doesn't make you a photographer, knowing how to rhyme does not make you a poet.  He recently read the Maze Runner series, and now we're reading "The Jungle" together.  I have warned him that it's going to be a total downer, but he is going to thank me when he gets to a class that makes him read it.

Emmett got up last night to watch the lunar eclipse.  He says it was cool.  He has applied to be a Peer Sports Adviser at school, and we like to imagine that it's not only because he likes to have control over other people.  He loved P.E., except for the wrestling segment, because wrestling is weird.  Who wants to wear a swimsuit and roll around in somebody else's sweat?  Emmett is playing rec soccer and scored last week.  He is reading another of Carl Hiaasen's books--I got him "Hoot" for Christmas, and now he's reading "Chomp."  They seem like a lot of fun.

Ike has started playing comp soccer and wants to wear his uniform all day every day.  He loves school, loves his teacher, and loved taking his core test yesterday.  He wants to play the trombone.  He is a very passionate, tenderhearted and obstinate little fellow.  He likes things to go his way, but not in a spoiled way.  He just doesn't like change or uncertainty, and is very hard to talk down once he gets upset about something.  He is reading "Flush," another by Carl Hiaasen.

Willa is getting her tonsils out next week.  She got tonsillitis a couple of months ago, then got it again a few weeks later, and the swelling never really went down.  Her tonsils are so big I don't know how she eats or breathes.  We would have liked to keep them in, but when your tonsils are not performing their duty, and in fact are actively working against you, then it seems like maybe they should go.  I have had a number of older people say they wish they had gotten theirs out as children because they have so many problems with them now.  Willa, like Bill Cosby before her, is very excited about the popsicles and ice cream and pudding, but I'm sure she will suffer a similar disillusionment when she wakes up from the surgery and finds that the world is naught but misery and woe.  She is also playing rec soccer and scored last week.  I'm going to start her on piano lessons soon so she can eventually move up to the banjo, which is her new obsession after we went into KSM last week to buy guitar picks.  She said, "I can learn to play the song that Frog plays!"  Because she calls Kermit and Miss Piggy "Frog and Pig," which is awesome of her.  She is reading "Little Bear" by Maurice Sendak.  She wants a chapter book with no pictures, so we'll be on the lookout for that.  I don't know if she's ready to read "My Father's Dragon" by herself quite yet, but we could probably read it with her.

I am still practicing the guitar and learning Spanish and attempting to be a halfway decent Young Women's president.  Nothing else too exciting.

John is coaching Willa's soccer team and has grown some pointy sideburns that some people say make him look like he's in a play.  He is still the Primary chorister and still feels like it's the best job in the church.

Groceries keeps barfing on the floor, Rex keeps being good, the goats are pregnant, the chickens are not laying eggs, and the rabbits and bees are all still alive.

blacker than night were the eyes of felina

Boy, if only I had a dollar for every time I've called John to say, "Read my blog and see if it's offensive."

Grant is doing basketball like always, and soccer.  He did Honor Band last week, his birthday is this week and he can't think of anything he wants because he is "at the age where everything sucks."  Poor lamb.  He is doing well in school and is trying to become a quadruple threat--academics, athletics, music and something else as yet undetermined.  I will try to steer him toward "treating others kindly."

Emmett is trying to bear his burden of crooked refs at the intermediate school who seem determined to hold back Emmett's handball and dodgeball teams.  He is trying to get away with as little piano practice as possible.  We are going to get him some solid foam tires so he can start riding his bike again.  He is also doing well in school, even though he has to write essays in Language Arts and he hates writing essays because they are so dumb and they are about the dumbest things, even grandma agrees it's a stupid topic.

Ike is trying to train to swim in the Utah Summer Games, and has started playing competitive soccer.  Grant does it for the shoes; Ike does it for the jerseys.  He is pretty willing to practice his piano.  He is doing better in school now that he doesn't hold a book inside his textbook and read while he's supposed to be working.

Willa has had tonsillitis twice in the past month, and her tonsils are still almost touching in the back, but we are going to do our best to prevent a relapse.  She thinks her voice "sounds cuter now," and I was like "Um, that's a bunch of snot in your throat making you sound like that."  She loves her school teacher and I am so, so thankful we transferred her out of that other class.  She has excelled in this class and progressed really quickly.  She'd probably still be trying to figure out how to read her first sight word page if she hadn't switched.

John and the boys went to Mexico to help build a house for a family whose house burned down on Christmas Eve.  It's through a charity run by John's former boss, and they all loved it and are begging to go on the family trip in June, but I think we'll wait until next year when Willa will be old enough to come along as well.  But we are going back to Mexico this summer--just not to build a house.  I love Mexico!  Finally our stupid time shares are starting to pay off.

how could she treat us so thoughtlessly

This weekend we went up to visit Grandma Maxine, and stopped to say hey to Grandma Herd while we were at it.  Ike wants to follow my uncle Craig around the ranch like a little puppy dog and "help" him do all the chores.  I joked about having Ike go do a ranch internship there when he graduates from high school, but we all know that John and I have robbed our children of the opportunity to learn thrift and industry, so he would probably be the worst intern ever, aside from me.  Grant got introduced to both "Downton Abbey" and "Sherlock" in the same night and is now obsessed and ready to jettison "Agents of Shield" in favor of watching through the "Sherlock" catalog.  I think he could tell that it was Grown Up television and it made him feel smart.  I always love visiting Grandma Maxine, because it reminds me that if you are awesome people will visit you even if you don't have an enormous fancypants house.  We are holdouts, Grandma and I, with our cute little old houses.

Grandma Herd is motoring along like usual, and seems to finally be getting over the awful cough she got over Christmas, so I guess it wasn't whooping cough after all, which means all the weird anti-vaccine people in Utah County have not earned painful retribution from me . . . yet.  Emmett and Ike and Willa climbed the mountain while John and Grant and I visited with Grandma and lamented our respective ward choir difficulties.  The kids didn't bring back any reports of dead deer in the cave, but the season is young yet, and so far the winter has been mild, so there's still a chance.  Grandma let the kids pick a little present, and the boys each got one of Grandpa's pocketknives.  I like that they'll have a little something to remember Grandpa by.  Grant has already had his taken away and a figurative corner torn off his Totin' Chip (oh, the unending lameness of the Boy Scout dialect) because he insisted on playing with it open on the leather couches.

Emmett and Ike are finally going to start swimming again, which is good, because they are both little slug people.  Willa is playing basketball and is so self-conscious that she runs around on her tiptoes during the games.  I'm glad we're addressing this now, because I was forever turned off of sports when my friend teased me about the terrible layup I did when I was thirteen.  I don't want Willa to feel like failure once means failure always.  If we can keep our kids from becoming locked in a fixed mindset it will be a monumental achievement.

say, you think santa likes gumbo?

This morning when I got up I started a load of darks, and then twenty minutes later when Ike finally dragged himself upstairs he looked at the washer and said, "Well, now I don't have a way to have my legs not freeze!"  You see, he had been keeping all of his jeans in the dirty clothes basket, and they weren't dirty.  I asked him why he was keeping his clean pants in the dirty clothes basket instead of in the drawer with the other clean clothes, but he was past reason.  He spent the rest of the morning sulking and stomping and decrying the unfairness of it all--the unfairness, let us not forget, of me washing the pants he'd put into the dirty clothes basket.  Finally, as the bus was making the stop right before ours he decided he would rather wear a pair of pants one size up than wait for the dirty clean pants to finish washing and drying and pay me three dollars to drive him to school.  Then I got to drive Grant to school ($5) because he waited until his bus was coming down the hill to tell me that the goats were out of water, and p.s. he hadn't eaten breakfast or brushed his teeth or washed his face or combed his hair.  But it's not HIS fault he feels like crap in the morning (I'm sure it has nothing to do with refusing to ever go to bed on time).  So it was a party, is what I'm trying to say.

We had a delightful Thanksgiving, and are now becoming ever more agitated in our anticipation of Christmas.  I think I bought too many presents this year.  I feel gross.  And although it's hard to backpedal on an arms race, or for the president to give back powers that he has previously enjoyed, next year I am going to do just that--one present, one book.  So get ready to be deprived, children.  I don't need to be raising superconsumers.

John went to New York last week for work and went up to the Statue of Liberty's crown.  He saw Newsies.  He looked at a bunch of buildings.  He did not eat a cronut, because it would probably make him die of diverticulitis or something.

when I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide

A couple of kids in our ward are in the Mandarin immersion program at a nearby school, and I thought for a while about putting Willa in it, but then I despaired at the thought of having to run her back and forth every day for the next five years.  I am a lazy mom.  But also one of the moms is a giant drag and I don't want to have the forced intimacy of a carpool schedule with her.  Besides, I think that Spanish is as much the Language of the Future as Mandarin, and I can actually converse haltingly in elementary Spanish, so I think I'll just buy some textbooks and teach the kids a Spanish class once a week or something. 

Grant got on the basketball team he wanted, he is surviving middle school and getting excellent grades despite some of the teachers doing all they can to squash his love of learning, he is sometimes a jerk to his siblings, he doesn't practice his trumpet, he has been doing slightly better at getting up on time and feeding and watering the goats.  So, a mixed bag.  We take what we can get. 

Emmett loves school and life and is almost always happy except when I am making him eat cream of mushroom soup.  He does a slapdash job on his chores and incurs frequent fines for letting the chickens run out of water.  But because money actually matters to him, when we showed him the hole the fines had dug into his savings he got very wide-eyed and repentant. 

Ike is a child of contrasts.  Monday he was a turd and getting him to practice his piano was infuriating.  He sulked the entire afternoon.  Tuesday he came home and did his chores and practiced his piano right away without any nagging.  This morning he took 45 minutes to put on a shirt and barely caught the bus.  His two settings are happy and angry.  Hey--he must be my son! 

Willa is getting her claws out this afternoon.  I think we've finally succeeded with her.  It took a long time of wearing the mitten at night, but I think she's cured.  It helps that she's busy at school all day--it's when she gets bored that things get ugly.  I wonder how she'll do on our long drive to Mexico, since the car is like the most boring place you can be, and that's always been her hardest fight. 

John interviewed for and was offered a job at a different company but ended up not taking it.  It would have been fun, but there really are some very nice work/life balance benefits to working for the church.  Plus I like him working downtown--who wants to go out to lunch in West Jordan or whatever?  Not me. 

I love not being the PTA president.  It's nice to have only YW to worry about, because that is plenty of worry by itself.  Thankfully my Laurels are bright and inquisitive and happily engage in discussions during the lessons.  A couple of them are planning on serving missions, which is an exciting prospect.  I'm interested to see how the role of women in the institutional dealings of the church is going to evolve over the next little while.  My advisor Wendy and I do our best to disabuse them of incorrect notions regarding doctrine vs. custom, and hopefully it will help them find a space in the church that they can be comfortable and faithful in. 

keep smiling until then

We said hasta la vista to my sister tonight.  She's headed off on her mission for the next eighteen months, and we will miss her something fierce.  She's the first missionary out of all my sisters and me, partly because she's the first one to have the juevos to do it.  She made enough money to pay for her whole mission by selling cinnamon rolls every summer for the last nine years.  She came out of the womb just plain better than most people, and I am proud to know her. 

I can't show you any of the pictures with me in them, because I looked vomitrocious tonight.  But believe me, I was there.  Right before we went to the airport we stopped at the Rancho Market, which is a glorious wonderland of Mexican groceries, and we bought some stale chicharrones, a chocolate concha, and a weird ball-shaped thing covered in butter and sugar and filled with some kind of goop.   

 

We saw those guys who got flash-mob engaged in Home Depot last week and wondered if they were heading somewhere to get married.  I just want to make sure you all know that I disapprove of flash mobs to the utmost.  It seems like everyone in the video is part of the flash mob, so I'm wondering, who are they performing this for?  The only one that does not earn my undying ire (by which I mean it makes me cry) is that one where they play Peer Gynt on the train. 

 

Justine and Cannon brought cookies from Paradise Bakery, which were delicious.  Everybody took one, and there was just an oatmeal raisin one left, and someone asked, "Does anyone like oatmeal raisin?" and I pointed to my mom, and she said, "Oh, I thought everyone liked oatmeal raisin."  No, mom.  Just you.  Because oatmeal raisin is the worst cookie.  Can you even think of a cookie worse than oatmeal raisin?  A real cookie, not something made up like a barf cookie with poop frosting?  I don't think I can. 

we both found what we were looking for

Ugh, what is up with teenagers wanting to stay up all night?  It's a real problem.  Grant is really settling into the traces of his messed up teenage circadian rhythms and that in turn is going to mess up MY circadian rhythms, because mommy needs a certain amount of awake time after her children go to sleep to restore her sanity.  When else am I going to watch Bob's Burgers except during the day when they're all at school? 

John and I were going to have to sing at what we were fondly referring to as a Troubled Marriage Retreat, but we've been pardoned.  Pity, because we were going to rock on "Ben," the Michael Jackson song about that rat who eats people.  Kidding!  Or am I?  Now you'll never know, because the event was cancelled.  But I'll say this:  our rat costume, that John and I bought for private reasons, was going to come in super handy. 

All the children are playing sports and musical instruments of one kind or another.  They all enjoy school.  Neon is back in a big way, so they all hurt my eyes when they get dressed in the morning. 

is it just me, or do those gilly sketches go on way too long for way too little return?

It's the last week of summer, and boy, are we ready.  The fighting about the absolute stupidest things has reached an unacceptable level, and I think everybody just wants to be shut of each other for a while.  This is how the modern world has broken the family, you guys.  Instead of spending our short, brutish lives working our family farms together in harmony and ignorance, we have come to enjoy--nay, prefer--living in comfort and ease with greater access to health care, education, and foreign cuisine.  What a sad commentary on our society. 

We went school shopping and got clothes for everybody, and it was brutal and not at all enjoyable.  I so rarely have to take my kids on errands anymore that it was almost like I no longer have that set of skills.  Like that muscle has atrophied and now I'm useless.  They were not even that naughty, it's just that there are four of them, and they wander like crazy!  All over the store, grabbing and touching everything on the shelves like a family of goshdarn raccoons!  But we prevailed and got everybody taken care of.  Grant and Willa got the most because there's nobody to pass stuff down to them.  Poor Emmett and Ike.  At least they get new shoes, and I do always buy them a few new shirts that no one else has sweated in and spilled on yet. 

Grant and Ike are done with basketball, Emmett and Ike and Willa are done with swimming lessons, we have eaten about 1/10th the amount of shaved ice we should have, and we turned the basement room into a dormitory so the boys could still be all together, but not smooshed quite so tightly. 

John asked about a job at work that would require a transfer to Europe, but his current boss was like, "Uh, who's going to do your job if you move to Europe?"  Flattering that they aren't willing to let him go, but it would have been nice to have an adventure, especially because as soon as we heard about the job I was on that like flies on a gutwagon and had already picked out where we were going to live.  Oh well, Groceries and Rex would have hated the plane ride. 

what does it even mean to miss someone by their hair

Last week I went to Girls' Camp.  We had flushing toilets and showers, and it was so much better than dirt camping.  When I was little we were always going camping and woodcutting with my mom's side of the family.  There were never bathrooms and you just had to wander to a private area away from camp, collect some soft leaves, and do your dirty business over the side of a fallen log or something.  I didn't really mind it then, and I would still probably prefer that to an outhouse, but I am old enough now that a real bathroom is pretty important to me.  Anyway, the second afternoon we sent the girls off to read their letters from their moms, and two of them found a decent-sized rattlesnake.  Thankfully our camp director's husband was there, and he is a mountain man deluxe edition who trains dogs to hunt bears and mountain lions (he just takes pictures of them; his reasoning is that if people kill all the bears and mountain lions there won't be any left to hunt, and then what is he supposed to do with his dogs? I like this approach), and he tromped off into the weeds with the shovel and soon found the snake and dispatched it and buried the head.  It was a very exciting time for everyone.  Thankfully none of the girls fought and there was no crying or meanness.  Our testimony meeting was only about a 2 on the bizarre/awkward/inappropriate scale.  Pretty much it was a terrific success and I'm looking forward to next year. 

I had the kids sort all their clothes so we have at least a vague idea of how many shirts, pants, socks and underwear they have before we go school shopping.  They never use their drawers and all their stuff just lives on the floor and travels up and down the stairs every week, being washed over and over again without being worn because they're too lazy to differentiate their clean and dirty piles.  Where do they get that from?  I'm sure I don't know. 

but sadly we just left rhode island

Last weekend we had our final family reunion for the year, sniff.  I love my family in all its multitude and it makes me sad we don't see each other more often.  I rode a horse for a minute.  I stubbed the crap out of my toe on a stump and thought maybe I broke it, but it turns out not.  I got a 91 on my BB shooting attempt, which I think is good but not great, but I'm not sure.  I think I overheard a conversation defending whaling, but I chose to remove myself from the situation rather than end up in an argument.  There was a brief game of what was called fireball, which is exactly what it sounds like, which was shut down by some killjoys who didn't want to set the borrowed mountain ablaze.  I got a sweet hat that belonged to my grandpa, and I must say, I look way foxy in it.  My cousin's fifteen-year-old son is 6' 4 1/2" and Grant standing next to him looks like he's next to the World's Tallest Man.  It seriously looks like photoshop.  I feel a little jealous of all the talls in my family. 

Grant is at scout camp, probably being initiated into all sorts of unspeakable teenage behaviors.  I have done such a good job of dissing BSA at our house that I've had to backtrack a little and defend it for the good life skills it teaches, aside from just knots and fires.  Overall I guess it's a decent program to be involved in, but I sure as heck am not going to hold any of my kids hostage and say they aren't getting a driver's license until they get their Eagle.  I mean, how dumb.  What in the world do Eagle Scout awards have to do with driving?  Parents, if you're doing that, stop it.  Read a parenting book that talks about natural and logical consequences. 

Emmett went on a 14-mile bike ride the other day along the highway.  Ugh, the highway.  Why can't we have a bike path in this place?  It's nothing but cyclists from dawn to dusk in the summer, and how many of them need to be hit and killed before we figure out they need some room?  At least Emmett wears a helmet, so if he does get hit by some texting jackass he will have a lovely, intact head atop his mangled body. 

Ike cut his foot open again today, because: aggressive researcher.  It was only a small cut, even though he was bleeding like a stuck pig.  I predict that the infrequency of his shoe wearing will not be affected. 

Willa has worn a hole through the mitten.  I might have to make a new one.  At the reunion we took it off for a family picture, and her hand is all pale and white like a cave fish, so she said that she wants a mitten for both hands so they'll be the same color.  But she's singing a different tune now, and all of the sudden wants the mitten OFF.  Well, hoss, this is the choice you made all those times we told you to take your fingers out of your mouth and you refused. 

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

Big, big news:  Willa can ride a bike now.  We borrowed a balance bike from Matthew and Emily and all it took was a couple of days of riding around in the driveway and the church parking lot.  Balance bikes are a legitimate process improvement.  The person who invented training wheels probably meant well, but he's looking like a pretty big idiot next to the balance bike guy.  Boy, do you like how I just assumed that both inventors were men?  Gosh, is the Patriarchy ever going to cut us a break?  Actually, I wasn't assuming they were both men, I was just using default gendered speech, which is a whole different kind of casual sexism, ha ha!  Anyway, Willa is riding up and down and hither and yon, and once we get some new tires on Ike's old bike she is going to tear it up out there. 

Ike rode his bike barefoot to a birthday party because that's what we do when we have a bandaged puncture wound we're supposed to keep clean, right? 

Emmett exploded the tube inside one of his tires on his brand new bike, which has set his riding back a bit.  He says he was just pumping it up to the recommended psi, but I have my doubts.  We ordered some of those wonderful tubes with the green slime in them, because puncture weeds are about as thick as grass around here. 

The only news on Grant this week is that he says he's almost 5'8", but I think he's fudging. 

We went to a family reunion at Grandma Maxine's yesterday.  John couldn't come because he is on a business trip in Israel building relationships of trust or something.  Too bad for him, because the Wilkers are a highly entertaining group of people, and it's always nice to spend time at the I Lazy H. 

Justine had her baby this morning, hooray!  No name for the little one yet, so I guess we can just call her Baby.  It's got a nice ring to it. 

treacle from a treacle well

We bought Emmett a fancypants bike, because the one he had is basically a potato with wheels, and he rides it anyway.  He goes for long bicycle rides, powering through the heavy frame and clunky gears.  Let's all pause to wipe a tear about his bravery.  Anyway, we figured we spend money hand over fist on Grant, a.k.a. The Devourer, for all his basketball and soccer stuff and assorted begging, and Emmett never asks for anything, so it seemed right.  When he got on the new one (new to us--we bought it used and counted our blessings, because my word are bikes spendy) he got this cute little smile on his face and he just zoomed up and down the street. 

Ike stepped on a crowbar the other day and punctured his foot between his toes, so we rushed him over to Daniel and got stitches.  Ike was a giant worrywart about it, and I just think, for someone who doesn't like shots or pain he sure does a lot of risky/stupid things.  I knew from the time he was very small that he was going to be the child that we spent our time in the emergency room with, because he just is like that.  He is very exuberant and impetuous. 

Willa got a new rake in her mouth a while ago to have another try at not sucking her fingers, but of course it's not working, and she just jams her fingers in there anyway.  Then I made splints with popsicle sticks, and she still sucked on them.  So then I made a mitten and put it on with a zip tie so she couldn't get it off, and then Ike tightened the zip tie too tight because he loves to help, and before I could cut the zip tie Willa had grabbed some scissors and cut the mitten off.  So I got to make a new mitten, and I was quite angry about this, because I am really really sick and tired of Willa sucking her fingers and I have said all along we need to cast her arm, but nobody will listen to me because blah blah muscular atrophy blah blah.  I yelled at Willa very loudly when she cut off the mitten.  You've heard it said, probably about Professor Snape or something, that "his words dripped poison"?   That's where I was.  But all is well now, and her mitten is on good and tight, but not too tight, and she can wear it until school starts, and maybe, just maybe, we can break this awful habit so Willa doesn't grow up to have donkey teeth. 

Grant has been kind of a dynamo this summer.  Helping around the house, exercising, practicing his trumpet every day . . . it's been really nice. 

Claire and Nate are home from Australia, and yesterday we all went to the temple together, without John unfortunately, because John is in Israel right now for work, and we couldn't wait until he gets back because Justine is going to have her baby any day now.  We'll just have to do another big family group later.  Troy went through a month ago since she's going on a mission in September, and we didn't get to go since we were in Cedar City, and Claire was still in Australia, so it was really wonderful to be with my parents and all my sisters in such a beautiful place.  And then we went to Golden Spike for dinner and I got a gyro, so it was a pretty amazing day. 

kenny, that song sucks

We went to the Utah Summer Games so Grant could play in them with his soccer team.  It was a lot more fun and less hot than I feared it would be, and we ate some amazing food--my favorite was the pizza cart.  Pizza from a cart!  I love America.  Plus so much shaved ice.  Grant had a lot of fun, aside from the time when I guess his blood sugar was low or something because he called us from the opening ceremonies mad enough to spit nails, going on about how everyone on his team is mean to him and wouldn't share their pizza because they're mean to him ALL THE TIME and the music was too loud and it was boring and there was nothing to do and he just wanted to go get a shaved ice WHY CAN'T WE GO GET A SHAVED ICE etcetera, but we stayed and watched the fireworks and took him for shaved ice afterward like we'd already agreed, and within moments of getting that sweet nectar of life inside him he was happy and explaining how great he gets along with his team, and I just threw up my hands.  He likes things right now. 

Emmett and Ike and Willa are in swimming lessons and are little merpeople. 

We had a family reunion last weekend and it was great, even better because we weren't trapped in the same house with each other 24-7, because no matter how well you get along, and no matter how much we love Elizabeth's family's magical ranch, too much togetherness can be exhausting.  We went to Lagoon on Monday and it was lovely weather, and the kids bounced around like pinballs with their cousins. 

We're trying to think of a fun, cheap place to go for a family vacation this year, since we already spent a bunch of money going to Cedar City--we had a freeway miracle that saved our lives, but still cost 800 smackers give or take to replace our bald, metal-showing tires.  I'd like to go to a national park. 

do you even know about wearing a fur fox skin? I doubt it

Ah, the last days of the school year, the time when our morning arguments reach Intensity Level Orange.  I fought with Ike about how he was carrying his lunch to school (in his hand--to keep from dropping the orange and juice he just ate them, leaving himself with only a sandwich for lunch) and with Grant about how he was dressed (in basketball shorts--he refused to change until it was too late, so now I guess he'll get to stay home from basketball next Tuesday, since he can't tell which situations are appropriate for exercise-wear and which aren't).  Neither one of them responded verbally to my irritated "I LOVE YOU.  GO AWAY." as they moped out the door to catch the bus.  I fought with Emmett about his ingratitude for the field trip to a Bees baseball game ("It was so hot the sweat was dripping down my legs, and it was so loud I couldn't even talk to anybody, and as soon as I got on the bus the DS ran out of batteries . . . "), and with Willa about sucking her fingers and constantly sneaking over to the neighbors' house to eat shocking amounts of garbage food.  I don't know why I think it will solve my problems to have them home with me more, but it is what it is.  We all need a break. 

Yesterday the fifth grade had their Crystal Springs trip, when they ride their bikes to Crystal Springs and play there all day.  I was already at the school to drop off Emmett's bike and do Willa's kindergarten assessment--no worries, she passed--so I joined some of the other parents and helped the bike caravan on a couple of the tricky parts where they have to cross the highway.  When we got there one of the other moms said, "Aren't you staying?  You should stay!"  So I thought about it, and then called Troy and asked her if she wanted to go, then I called Aleece and asked if she wanted to go, so we all went to Crystal Springs and I didn't have to pay because I was there with the school, and I even went down the slide a few times, and I pretty much didn't see Willa all day she was having so much fun.  I haven't been there since we barely moved here, and the time before that I was in high school.  There are no stairs missing on the stairway to the slides anymore, so that's an improvement.  Oh, Crystal Springs, you crazy cat. 

Emmett had his first piano recital last night, the little buddy.  He did a good job, and was the only one whose piece was memorized.  He was frustrated that he made five mistakes.  I am so pleased with the progress he has made just since November.  It's almost like having a good teacher and practicing make a difference.  Afterward his teacher (who was my teacher and all my sisters' teacher, and she is the best teacher in the whole world) sent us all into the kitchen where she had an embarrassment of Idle Isle chocolates and little boxes to pack full of the chocolates.  She is the coolest. 

The boys are all at Fathers and Sons, and Willa and I hung out last night and partied like it was going out of style.  As soon as the boys left I asked Willa what she wanted to do, and she asked, "Can we go to the park?"  So we went to the playground at Bunderson, since we were already parked there for Emmett's recital.  Then she wanted to go to Adams Park, so we did.  Then she wanted to go to Horsley Park, so we did.  Then she wanted to go to Snow Park, so we were on our way, and she said, "Actually, can we go shopping instead of go to the park?"  I asked her where she wanted to go shopping, and she said Smith's.  So we went to Smith's, and I let her get one of those dumb little car carts that are such a pain to drive, and she pointed where to go, and we went all over the store, and I let her buy garbage food, since that is her love language.  We got Cheetos, some sucker/powder candy thing, Campbell's Disney Princess soup, baby Haagen Dazs ice creams, and we also got some healthy food (pickles for her and pitted Kalamata olives for me).  We also looked at the mylar balloons and went down the card aisle because she wanted to find one that made noise.  Then we came home and ate our stuff--soup for her and two Nathan's hot dogs in one bun for me because I LOVE THOSE HOT DOGS--then read a story and went to bed.  I bet it was the greatest day of her life.  I have to say, I love having a daughter.  She is a good little friend.