behold, I come as a thief

Yesterday after Grant and Ike got done with basketball and Emmett was done with piano we went to a water park in Salt Lake to hang out with our friends the McAllisters.  We had a lot of fun, but I don't want to talk about that right now.  I want to complain about how poorly run it is instead.  So, there is one drinking fountain in the entire park, and it was out of order.  You could stand in line to get cups and water from one of the coolers they had filled with warm water, but most of those were empty, so there wasn't much point.  So have fun being dehydrated, which is probably a good thing anyway, because of the eight or ten toilets in the only women's restroom, four were out of order, so at all times of the day there was a minimum ten-minute wait in the line to use the bathroom.  I mean, people pee in the pool even in optimal bathroom situations, what are they going to do when there's only one bathroom and it has a ten-minute wait?  Also it has been so long since the floor was mopped that there are layers of sedimentary filth deposits around the drains in the bathroom floor--grass, mud, ancient toilet paper, and unnameable mystery substances.  Then toward the end of the day someone stole our triple tube, which is angering since they cost so much money.  John went to the tube rental place to seek redress, both of us assuming there would not be any, but we enjoy participating in social experiments. 

John:  "Hi, my wife rented tubes, and somebody came and stole our triple tube, so we were wondering if you could give us a replacement." 
Tube Rental Person:  "No, sorry.  It's against company policy." 
John:  "It's against company policy to give somebody a replacement tube when theirs gets stolen?" 
TRP:  "Yeah, we can't do anything." 
John:  "But she already paid a lot of money for it, and now we can't use it because somebody took it, and you can't get us a new one?  There's like a half hour left before you close, and you can't just let us use a new tube?" 
TRP:  "No, it's company policy." 
John:  "But I just barely got here, and I want to go on the slides with my kids.  Can't you bend company policy at all?"
TRP:  "No, sorry." 
John:  "So we just don't get to go on the slides, because somebody came and took our tube.  That we already paid for." 
TRP:  "There's just nothing we can do." 
John:  "So what you're saying is that I'd be an idiot to rent tubes, because if we do, someone will just take them and you won't do anything to make it right, so we won't get to use them anyway.  So if we do want tubes we should just take somebody else's, because that way I get a tube for sure, and it doesn't cost me any money.  Then if somebody comes and steals that one, I just steal another one, because that's what everybody does, and there are no consequences if we do.  That's what you're saying.  That no one should rent tubes, we should steal them.  You realize that's the behavior you're encouraging." 
TRP:  "I don't know, we just can't do anything to help you." 
John:  "Okay, I guess we'll go steal a tube then." 
TRP:  shrugs

So we walked over to the lazy river and saw a triple tube leaning against a fence and Willa said, "Hey, we could use that tube!"  So, since it was all by itself with no stuff around it marking it at all (unlike ours, which had had towels draped over it and was sitting directly on our stuff) it seemed likely that it was one of the many that people leave lying around when they leave the park.  John grabbed it and even though we figured they'd let him ride with Willa on a triple instead of a double, we wanted to continue the experiment.  So he went back to the tube rental place and said, "Hi.  I have a triple tube that I want to exchange for a double and a single."  The guy he'd talked to was talking to some other employees, and when he turned around and saw John he started to laugh, turned his back and elbowed his friends, then started whispering and pointing at John.  I think he enjoyed John's moxie.  They exchanged our poached tube and John and Willa had a delightful time riding slides for the next twenty minutes until the park closed.  So it was a very fun day, but I do wish the park were managed and maintained better. 

I promise you babe I won't do you no harm

Big, big news:  Willa can ride a bike now.  We borrowed a balance bike from Matthew and Emily and all it took was a couple of days of riding around in the driveway and the church parking lot.  Balance bikes are a legitimate process improvement.  The person who invented training wheels probably meant well, but he's looking like a pretty big idiot next to the balance bike guy.  Boy, do you like how I just assumed that both inventors were men?  Gosh, is the Patriarchy ever going to cut us a break?  Actually, I wasn't assuming they were both men, I was just using default gendered speech, which is a whole different kind of casual sexism, ha ha!  Anyway, Willa is riding up and down and hither and yon, and once we get some new tires on Ike's old bike she is going to tear it up out there. 

Ike rode his bike barefoot to a birthday party because that's what we do when we have a bandaged puncture wound we're supposed to keep clean, right? 

Emmett exploded the tube inside one of his tires on his brand new bike, which has set his riding back a bit.  He says he was just pumping it up to the recommended psi, but I have my doubts.  We ordered some of those wonderful tubes with the green slime in them, because puncture weeds are about as thick as grass around here. 

The only news on Grant this week is that he says he's almost 5'8", but I think he's fudging. 

We went to a family reunion at Grandma Maxine's yesterday.  John couldn't come because he is on a business trip in Israel building relationships of trust or something.  Too bad for him, because the Wilkers are a highly entertaining group of people, and it's always nice to spend time at the I Lazy H. 

Justine had her baby this morning, hooray!  No name for the little one yet, so I guess we can just call her Baby.  It's got a nice ring to it. 

treacle from a treacle well

We bought Emmett a fancypants bike, because the one he had is basically a potato with wheels, and he rides it anyway.  He goes for long bicycle rides, powering through the heavy frame and clunky gears.  Let's all pause to wipe a tear about his bravery.  Anyway, we figured we spend money hand over fist on Grant, a.k.a. The Devourer, for all his basketball and soccer stuff and assorted begging, and Emmett never asks for anything, so it seemed right.  When he got on the new one (new to us--we bought it used and counted our blessings, because my word are bikes spendy) he got this cute little smile on his face and he just zoomed up and down the street. 

Ike stepped on a crowbar the other day and punctured his foot between his toes, so we rushed him over to Daniel and got stitches.  Ike was a giant worrywart about it, and I just think, for someone who doesn't like shots or pain he sure does a lot of risky/stupid things.  I knew from the time he was very small that he was going to be the child that we spent our time in the emergency room with, because he just is like that.  He is very exuberant and impetuous. 

Willa got a new rake in her mouth a while ago to have another try at not sucking her fingers, but of course it's not working, and she just jams her fingers in there anyway.  Then I made splints with popsicle sticks, and she still sucked on them.  So then I made a mitten and put it on with a zip tie so she couldn't get it off, and then Ike tightened the zip tie too tight because he loves to help, and before I could cut the zip tie Willa had grabbed some scissors and cut the mitten off.  So I got to make a new mitten, and I was quite angry about this, because I am really really sick and tired of Willa sucking her fingers and I have said all along we need to cast her arm, but nobody will listen to me because blah blah muscular atrophy blah blah.  I yelled at Willa very loudly when she cut off the mitten.  You've heard it said, probably about Professor Snape or something, that "his words dripped poison"?   That's where I was.  But all is well now, and her mitten is on good and tight, but not too tight, and she can wear it until school starts, and maybe, just maybe, we can break this awful habit so Willa doesn't grow up to have donkey teeth. 

Grant has been kind of a dynamo this summer.  Helping around the house, exercising, practicing his trumpet every day . . . it's been really nice. 

Claire and Nate are home from Australia, and yesterday we all went to the temple together, without John unfortunately, because John is in Israel right now for work, and we couldn't wait until he gets back because Justine is going to have her baby any day now.  We'll just have to do another big family group later.  Troy went through a month ago since she's going on a mission in September, and we didn't get to go since we were in Cedar City, and Claire was still in Australia, so it was really wonderful to be with my parents and all my sisters in such a beautiful place.  And then we went to Golden Spike for dinner and I got a gyro, so it was a pretty amazing day. 

kenny, that song sucks

We went to the Utah Summer Games so Grant could play in them with his soccer team.  It was a lot more fun and less hot than I feared it would be, and we ate some amazing food--my favorite was the pizza cart.  Pizza from a cart!  I love America.  Plus so much shaved ice.  Grant had a lot of fun, aside from the time when I guess his blood sugar was low or something because he called us from the opening ceremonies mad enough to spit nails, going on about how everyone on his team is mean to him and wouldn't share their pizza because they're mean to him ALL THE TIME and the music was too loud and it was boring and there was nothing to do and he just wanted to go get a shaved ice WHY CAN'T WE GO GET A SHAVED ICE etcetera, but we stayed and watched the fireworks and took him for shaved ice afterward like we'd already agreed, and within moments of getting that sweet nectar of life inside him he was happy and explaining how great he gets along with his team, and I just threw up my hands.  He likes things right now. 

Emmett and Ike and Willa are in swimming lessons and are little merpeople. 

We had a family reunion last weekend and it was great, even better because we weren't trapped in the same house with each other 24-7, because no matter how well you get along, and no matter how much we love Elizabeth's family's magical ranch, too much togetherness can be exhausting.  We went to Lagoon on Monday and it was lovely weather, and the kids bounced around like pinballs with their cousins. 

We're trying to think of a fun, cheap place to go for a family vacation this year, since we already spent a bunch of money going to Cedar City--we had a freeway miracle that saved our lives, but still cost 800 smackers give or take to replace our bald, metal-showing tires.  I'd like to go to a national park. 

do you even know about wearing a fur fox skin? I doubt it

Ah, the last days of the school year, the time when our morning arguments reach Intensity Level Orange.  I fought with Ike about how he was carrying his lunch to school (in his hand--to keep from dropping the orange and juice he just ate them, leaving himself with only a sandwich for lunch) and with Grant about how he was dressed (in basketball shorts--he refused to change until it was too late, so now I guess he'll get to stay home from basketball next Tuesday, since he can't tell which situations are appropriate for exercise-wear and which aren't).  Neither one of them responded verbally to my irritated "I LOVE YOU.  GO AWAY." as they moped out the door to catch the bus.  I fought with Emmett about his ingratitude for the field trip to a Bees baseball game ("It was so hot the sweat was dripping down my legs, and it was so loud I couldn't even talk to anybody, and as soon as I got on the bus the DS ran out of batteries . . . "), and with Willa about sucking her fingers and constantly sneaking over to the neighbors' house to eat shocking amounts of garbage food.  I don't know why I think it will solve my problems to have them home with me more, but it is what it is.  We all need a break. 

Yesterday the fifth grade had their Crystal Springs trip, when they ride their bikes to Crystal Springs and play there all day.  I was already at the school to drop off Emmett's bike and do Willa's kindergarten assessment--no worries, she passed--so I joined some of the other parents and helped the bike caravan on a couple of the tricky parts where they have to cross the highway.  When we got there one of the other moms said, "Aren't you staying?  You should stay!"  So I thought about it, and then called Troy and asked her if she wanted to go, then I called Aleece and asked if she wanted to go, so we all went to Crystal Springs and I didn't have to pay because I was there with the school, and I even went down the slide a few times, and I pretty much didn't see Willa all day she was having so much fun.  I haven't been there since we barely moved here, and the time before that I was in high school.  There are no stairs missing on the stairway to the slides anymore, so that's an improvement.  Oh, Crystal Springs, you crazy cat. 

Emmett had his first piano recital last night, the little buddy.  He did a good job, and was the only one whose piece was memorized.  He was frustrated that he made five mistakes.  I am so pleased with the progress he has made just since November.  It's almost like having a good teacher and practicing make a difference.  Afterward his teacher (who was my teacher and all my sisters' teacher, and she is the best teacher in the whole world) sent us all into the kitchen where she had an embarrassment of Idle Isle chocolates and little boxes to pack full of the chocolates.  She is the coolest. 

The boys are all at Fathers and Sons, and Willa and I hung out last night and partied like it was going out of style.  As soon as the boys left I asked Willa what she wanted to do, and she asked, "Can we go to the park?"  So we went to the playground at Bunderson, since we were already parked there for Emmett's recital.  Then she wanted to go to Adams Park, so we did.  Then she wanted to go to Horsley Park, so we did.  Then she wanted to go to Snow Park, so we were on our way, and she said, "Actually, can we go shopping instead of go to the park?"  I asked her where she wanted to go shopping, and she said Smith's.  So we went to Smith's, and I let her get one of those dumb little car carts that are such a pain to drive, and she pointed where to go, and we went all over the store, and I let her buy garbage food, since that is her love language.  We got Cheetos, some sucker/powder candy thing, Campbell's Disney Princess soup, baby Haagen Dazs ice creams, and we also got some healthy food (pickles for her and pitted Kalamata olives for me).  We also looked at the mylar balloons and went down the card aisle because she wanted to find one that made noise.  Then we came home and ate our stuff--soup for her and two Nathan's hot dogs in one bun for me because I LOVE THOSE HOT DOGS--then read a story and went to bed.  I bet it was the greatest day of her life.  I have to say, I love having a daughter.  She is a good little friend. 

if I ever see pepe le peu I am going to make him so sorry

Cool story, bro: 

The other day Grant was talking to John, and he said, "Hey dad, the best trumpet player in the school doesn't practice!"  John said, "Yeah?" kind of warily, because he thought that what was coming up was Grant saying he must not need to practice either, but instead Grant said, "So I'm going to be the best trumpet player in the school!  Because he doesn't know how to work, and I do." 

Oh, I could bust with parental pride and relief.  For their entire lives John and I have told our children over and over that the world is filled with talented nobodies.  We're concerned about them treading the same path of indolent merrymaking that we did, and have been very sensitive to their tendencies in that direction.  We've told them family stories about how school came so easily to their uncle David that he never had to study or do any homework, and he just left everybody in the dust, until one day in graduate school when he realized that he was no longer the smartest guy in the class, and all the "dumb kids" he'd thought he was so much smarter than were doing better than he was--because they had learned how to work.  We've told the story of how their uncle Daniel had a somewhat difficult time in school, and it was incredibly frustrating for him, because he saw his brothers just coasting by, while he sweated and slaved over his studies.  But just like David's classmates, eventually Daniel came out on top because he worked for everything he got, and by the way, he was the only student to ever get a perfect score on his practical exam in podiatry school.  Not to mention that when Daniel learns something, it's in the vault forever, not like some I could mention, *cough cough*.  So we've talked ourselves blue in the face about how hard work trumps uncultivated natural ability every time, using examples from their lives, and to hear Grant say something like that, that seems to indicate that he gets it, is so gratifying.  It makes me feel like there's at least one thing we're doing right. 

It's been a great week.  Everybody is having fun with soccer, they're all winning their games, we went to a Real Salt Lake game on Monday and nobody cried except Willa, because she wanted the $6 cotton candy.  They played out in the wheat field today and didn't even fight that much, and Grant is old enough now that he can babysit, so John and I are even going on dates now and then.  This is my favorite stage. 

the bunnies have ice in their fur

So Grant is as tall as I am now.  He's grown about . . . some inches.  Let me check.  Almost three inches since August.  It doesn't seem like much when you read it, but it feels like a lot, especially when you're buying pants and shoes.  It's the raw whole milk, you guys.  It's a health tonic!  We are reading The Fellowship of the Ring together, so that he can watch the movie.  Would you like to see some cool LOTR drawings we made in church? 

Sometimes I'm not super attentive in sacrament meeting.  I'm not a great example. 

Emmett is a joy and a pleasure to be with.  He's been in a phase the last two weeks where he works his fool head off, and it is delightful.  He cleaned out the chicken coop without even complaining, which is unlike him, and unlike any other child, because frankly it is a disgusting, difficult job that nobody likes.  He is at his fancy school today and I am going to try very hard not to forget him there, which I have done more times than I care to admit.  This is what happens when you mess with my routine. 

Ike is a pill and refuses to show his work when regrouping, which is how he keeps doing poorly on all his math assignments.  He is a grasshopper, like his parents.  He rode our neighbor's mini dirt bike the other day and took to it like a fish to water, of course.  He is the one who's going to be doing motocross or some other horrible EXTREME SPORT and I will cringe at all of it, in fear for his safety and his respectability. 

Willa is still sucking her fingers.  She is good at cleaning her room, sort of, because she pushes the piles to the perimeter of the room.  She wants to help me with everything, because she's still at that great age when other people's chores are exciting and fun.  I will cherish this time. 

Everybody is playing soccer, and Grant is playing on two teams, which I endorse, because a tired dog is a good dog, and he is unbearable when he doesn't get his wiggles out.  I realize I am creating my own downfall by helping him gain greater endurance and therefore greater capacity for mischief in downtime, but there are worse things.  John is coaching Emmett and Ike, because he is a wonderful person.  He doesn't have the time for this, you know, but he is a good dad.  I am planning the school's spring carnival and it is going to end me.